For the most part, a lot of the things I’ve learned over the years have been the source of a great deal of retrospective chagrin.
I also laugh about a lot of them now, but at the time maybe not so much.
I’ve compiled a bunch of them for the last chapter in my memoir. This assumes of course that I will one day finish my memoir. It’s only occurred to me just now that it might have been good to have decided on a time span to cover before setting out to write it.
You might be asking yourself why I am writing a memoir. I also sometimes ask myself that question. It was a suggestion in an AARP magazine some years ago and I thought it sounded like fun.
I doubt anyone will ever read it. My husband and I decided before we were ever officially wed that we would not have any children. And guess what, we didn’t. So there are no later generations to read my memoir and wonder just what the heck Grandma thought she was doing.
In any case, I thought I would attempt to entertain you all with some of the things I’ve learned over the years.
VENDING MACHINES
If you want a hot chocolate from a vending machine and not a coffee or a tea, you have to press the correct button. No amount of swearing at the machine will fix your problem.
It’s kind of a metaphor for life.
LADDERS AND TOOLS
When making any kind of household repair that necessitates the use of a ladder combined with the use of a hammer, do not leave the hammer lying on top of the ladder when you climb down from the ladder. For certain, when you go to move that ladder, you will have completely forgotten about the hammer.
Massive headaches ensue.
ROLLER SKATES AND DOGS
Do not wear roller-skates while walking your dog. What seems in the beginning like it would be a load of fun often degenerates into a mass of limbs flailing about with your body desperately trying to remain upright while your dog, normally very complacent and even tempered, takes off after a rabbit.
Be sure to have some antiseptic and Band-Aids on hand.
CANNED SPINACH
There is nothing you can do to canned spinach to make it edible. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Sorry, Mom.
