My Predictions for 2020

We are fast approaching the end of another year. It is amazing how quickly time flies. People are beginning to ask the usual question: What do you think the New Year will bring? I’ve made a few predictions; none of which should actually be taken seriously.              

January 1, 2020, 12:01:01 a.m., Wednesday

I will be jolted from a sound sleep by the unexpected feel and taste of bird feathers in my mouth. Our cat, Bonfire, will be sleeping soundly next to me, clearly in the grip of an intense dream. I will realize that, after years of wondering just what exactly it is that he wants, I have acquired the ability to read his mind.

February 3, 2020, 3:47:23 a.m., Monday

Bernd will sit up suddenly in bed. He will throw back the covers and dash out into the kitchen. He will flip several switches before he finds the one that controls the lights in the kitchen. He will search frantically for a pen and a piece of paper. He will not find one in time and his minor case of attention deficit disorder will rob the world of finally, once and for all, knowing what the true meaning of life is. I will be witness to all of this and his utter despair upon returning to bed because I was already lying there, awake, trying to find the off button for my ability to read Bonfire’s mind.

March 2, 2020, 4:13:03 p.m., Monday

Bernd will be at work. A customer will come up to him and say, “I can still see the frames and I don’t want to be able to see the frames.” Bernd will say, “I’m sorry, but we’ve already fitted you with the largest eyeglasses that we have. Why don’t you try not looking at them.” The customer will leave in a huff saying, “I’m never coming back here again.” The only truly amazing thing in all this is that Bernd will have said, “I’m sorry.” Oh, and Bernd will celebrate the sixty-seventh anniversary of his birth.

April 15, 2020, 5:59:59 p.m., Wednesday

I will finally finish painting the stucco on the house, which I began on July 30, 2017 at 1:13:47 p.m. Bernd and I will then have wild pacific salmon sautéed in olive oil with paprika, onion powder, black pepper and potassium chloride, along with steamed snap peas tossed in toasted sesame oil and sesame seeds, and brown rice for dinner.

May 31, 2020, 10:23:01 a.m., Sunday

While sitting at the computer and trying to write a new article to post to my blog, I will realize that I have always known what Bonfire wants and never needed to be able to read his mind. It will have become apparent after one hundred and fifty-one days, ten hours and twenty-two minutes, that all he ever wants is attention and food.

June 29, 2020, 3:25:16 a.m., Monday

I will awake from a sound sleep and remember that June 29^th is my sister’s birthday and I have forgotten to send her a card. I will notice that even though Bonfire is sleeping right next to me, I cannot hear his thoughts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

July 15, 2020, 2:33:49 p.m., Wednesday

Bernd and I will be taking a walk on the Fain Ranch land. We will have finally remembered to take our binoculars along. We will see something in the far distance that we can not quite make out. Bernd will use the binoculars and then exclaim, “Well, I’ll be!” He will hand the binoculars to me whereupon I will see that aliens have landed their spacecraft, debarked, and are attempting to make conversation with a steer. Several other steer will be standing with their back ends to the aliens. The aliens will then, after precisely three minutes and twenty-two seconds, get back into their spacecraft and leave for the next planet on their list. At which point, I will say, “Well, I’ll be.”

August 8, 2020, 10:30:05 a.m., Saturday

Bernd will ask for this day off because it is my birthday and he wants to spend it with me. He will snap awake from his sound, after breakfast nap. He will look at me and say, “What did you say?” To which I will answer, “I didn’t say anything.” He will say, “Sure you did. I distinctly heard you say something.” I will say, “Well, if you so distinctly heard it, what did I say?” He will think very hard for a moment and then he will say, “You said, ‘Feed me. Feed me now’.” We will both look at each other for a moment and then I will say, “Well, I did discover that Bonfire has a maximum range that only reaches down to about the end of the block. Look at the bright side, you work outside of home.” At the precise moment he snaps awake, I will be sixty-eight years and five seconds old.

September 21, 2020, 1:35:41 a.m., Monday

Bernd will be jolted awake by a twelve pound cat leaping from the floor to his stomach. This will be the first time Bonfire has done this to him, though he has frequently done this to me. Bonfire will stand on his stomach and lightly and repeatedly press his nose until Bernd finally comes to his senses. When he does, he realizes that he can no longer hear Bonfire’s thoughts. Bonfire, also realizing the same thing, will have been attempting to engage Bernd’s reset button. Bernd utters a loud, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” which wakes me up in time to hear Bonfire utter a loud sigh, which my mind automatically translates to, “Well, I guess I’ll just have to go back to meowing again.”

September 21, 2020, 7:45:31 a.m., Monday

I will be sitting finishing reading a chapter in my read-it-with-breakfast book, when I will hear the scrub jays on the deck yelling, “Peanuts. Now. Want peanuts now. Where are the peanuts? Give us peanuts now.” I will throw them some peanuts. They will take them all away. They will begin yelling for more.

September 21, 2020, 11:03:01 a.m., Monday

I will walk out to the mailbox to see if there is any mail in it. Our dog, Maddie, will go with me. She will start yelling at me. She will say, “Get away from that post. That’s my post. I pee by that post. Are you listening to me? Didn’t I say it loud enough? THAT’S MY POST!” I will roll my eyes and heave a big sigh and quickly go back into the house before the quails give me what for. The earplugs will be of no use whatsoever.

September 21, 2020, 8:33:11 p.m., Monday

I will be sitting in my recliner, nursing a splitting headache. The male crickets have been telling the female crickets just how desirable they are for hours already and I will be sick and tired of hearing how long this ones antennas are or how far the other can jump. Then all of a sudden, all I will hear will be crick-crick-crick. I will say out loud, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” and Bernd, in his recliner, will nod knowingly.

October 31, 2020, 6:22:54 p.m., Saturday

The trick-or-treaters will have been knocking on the door since one hour, three minutes and twenty-one seconds previously, when there is another knock on the door. I will open it and see three small aliens standing there. It will be some of the most amazing makeup and costuming that I have ever seen. I will say, “Wow. Those are great get-ups, but where are your treat bags?” The tallest alien will say, “Gort, Klaatu barada nickto.” Then I will say, “Yeah, that’s nice but do you want some candy or not?” The aliens will then turn and walk back out to their spacecraft which they will have parked on our cotoneaster. Then I will say, “Well, I’ll be.”

November 13, 2020, 2:08:49 p.m., Friday

I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on a post for my blog when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and …

November 13, 2020, 2:08:50 p.m., Friday

I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on a post for my blog when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and …

November 13, 2020, 2:08:51 p.m., Friday

I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on a post for my blog when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and …

December 31, 2020, 9:29:51 p.m., Thursday

I will be sitting in my recliner, yawning a big yawn. Bernd will be doing likewise. We will both decide that it is time to go to bed. As I am lying between our nice flannel sheets with Maddie tucked in, Bonfire lying on my chest and Bernd snoring beside me, I will look back on the year just passed and say to myself, “Guess it was all just business as usual.”

I hope that you all have a wonderful and amazing holiday season and a most spectacular 2020!